Letter To Dr. Paul: Flirting With A Married Man

Dear Dr. Paul, I love your advice. I’m 51. I’ve been slowly getting to know and flirting with a Fedex man that comes to my office at the hospital where I work for the past 2 months. He likes my humor and smiles a lot when he comes around. However, when I asked him how his Xmas was he said he spent it like normal people and he had dinner with his wife. He then stopped talking and there was a long pause, then I said:”you mean your EX-wife don’t you?” Then he said yes and continued to look and smile at me and talk to me for a couple of minutes. Is he trying to let me know he’s back with his ex, or is he just testing my reaction? They do have a teenage son together whom he is very close to. I’ve asked 3 women and one man for his reaction to what he said. Please help. Thanks

Doc’s Response:
Dear Ms. H., I really discovered gold in your letter…mmm…let me see…what makes you think that the man is not married?…and finally you asked Doctor Paul for “advice”…not your girl friends…they have the same questions you have, and have no answers…you did ask a man as well…did he question if you were sure that he was divorced?…many people engage in what they believe to be harmless flirting…is that the case here?…even maybe if they are married?…I spoke with our delivery person form another company (not Fedex)…he said he does not wear a ring because of the packages etc. that he handles…perhaps that is the case…perhaps not…of course if you really want to find out go to your city’s web site and check out vital statistics to see if he is married or divorce…let’s say that he is divorced…he probably has an interest in sports…run a test…”by the way Mr. Fedex man, I have been given a couple tickets to the (hockey, baseball, soccer, basketball) game…college or pro…for (be specific here) two weeks from Saturday….would you like to go with me & explain some of the finer points of the game to me?…now the last part is really important because all guys want to think that they are experts on sports…you have not only given him an invitation, but you have given him a challenge as well…you have stroked his ego…he is thinking…”If I say no, she will think that I don’t know that much about sports”…so he will probably say yes…if he says no…he may give you a reason that is why you make it 2 weeks away…then you can say two things “is it because you are married, or you are not that much into sports?”…he will have an easier time of it answering the first question than he will the second…because the second question has manliness written all over it…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Bi-Polar Disorder & Sex

Dear Dr. Paul,

I was showing your website off to one of my friends (your web designer is awesome) and we came across your video on depression’s effects on sex drive. My curiosity was sparked so I watched the video. I immediately watched it again. I have suffered from depression most of my life. I have recently been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. For those that may not know, bipolar disorder is characterized by periods of normal mood mixed with episodes of depression and mania. In the video, you state that depression is a depressed mood. This prevents you from getting from point A to point B when having sex. Mania is on the other side of that spectrum. Everything is heightened and feels good, sex included.

I wanted to see if there was any more information on sex drive and the manic state of bipolar disorder. I began by searching through your archives. I was surprised not to get any hits. Expert Village offered a few videos and articles, but nothing with any substance. I tried a Google search and came up with over 3 million hits. None of them were based on research and most consisted of blog excerpts. My last hope was to search my universities database. Again, there was nothing that addressed my question. I have been married for over six years and know without a doubt that mania has an effect on sex drive and untreated bipolar disorder creates such sexual chaos that it interferes with the health of the relationship.

When my husband and I first got married sex was great. I was on a high from the excitement of the wedding and the events that surrounded it. This mania carried us through for a couple of months. Then my mood changed. I became irritable and had no interest in sex. I was demanding, pushy, and very hard to live with. We began to fight, sometimes ferociously. Then my mood would switch, I would regain an interest in sex, and things would settle down. This fickle interest in sex confused my husband. He began to take it personally, thinking that I did not really love him or find him attractive. I tried to reassure him that the problem was mine, but I could not offer him a reasonable explanation of why this was.

My husband’s reaction to all of this changed with time. At first he was concerned, and then confused. Finally he stopped caring all together. He found other ways to meet his needs. I laid in my depression, plotting ways to kill him. We drifted further apart. After several months of this we separated and began the divorce process. The stress of it all was too much and I had myself Baker Acted. That is when I was diagnosed as bipolar and put on the correct medicine. Before that time, I was being treated with antidepressants. The medicine actually made the bipolar intensify. Once the medicine, and me, was stabilized everything changed. My husband moved back in and we decided to rebuild our lives together.

Putting the marriage back in order has been a struggle. We know that will take time. We are realistic about that. Since my medicine has become effective, my sex drive has changed. I am finally able to relax and let go. Last night I got from point A to point B in the most exhilarating way. I have never experienced sex like this before. We also enjoy each other on a more regular basis. I no longer have to psych myself up to have sex. I am an active participant and I love it.

I am sure I am not the only person who had this experience or one similar. Why anybody hasn’t chosen to do real research on this topic? As I see it, it is a real and pressing problem.

A Devoted Fan,

TerryP

GIVE IT TIME!

I frequently get callers and e-mail from those who are impatient…ladies…if a man has just come off a long relationship and or marriage…at least 1 year plus or what ever seems long to him…give it time…don’t push him…I am amazed at the women who contact me and say…”if only I had given him more time”…let’s face it…he is vulnurable, but he isn’t over her…and do not get outraged if he happens to use her name during sex by accident…now this may really floor you…that can mean that he is making a transfer in his mind from her to you…it doesn’t have to happen during sex it may be a slip at any time…this is true especially if she dumped him…I know there are ralationship consultants who tell you to get out if he does that…usually these are women telling you this…well Doctor Paul is telling you as a man not what you want to hear but rather the reality of what is…true, I disagree with consultants, counselors, and would be other so-called experts who pander to you in an effort to have you “hang”
with them…you will hang all right…you will hang your potential relationship out to dry…and by the way…for both men and women…however, if the other says I don’t want to see you I need more time…don’t let them go there…if they say they want to slow it down because they just got out of a relationship and are still in emotional trauma that is OK…if they say they don’t want to continue seeing you for a while…watch out..they may be trying to patch things up with the ex…even though she may not want him she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either…an ego thing or she doesn’t want to see him be happy…of course this is a tough call…one thing to remember…if you are the second woman that he is seeing after a break up…your chances are better that it is not a re-bound and that he won’t go back to the ex…in other words…the second mouse gets the cheese (the first one gat whacked in the trap)…This is Doctor Paul…”May your fantasies of today be your realities of tomorrow”…(this and all Doctor Paul items are copyrighted)

Letter To Dr. Paul: Family & Freinds’ Judgement

Dear Dr. Paul,
I had some nice dates with this guy and he told me he had growing feelings toward me, but he told all his friend and family about me after the second date. I feel he was told some negatives things because he is white and am black. Then he stopped calling me avoiding dates with me, and I feel really sad and silly for trying to call him but i cant stop thinking about him?

Dr. Paul’s Response:

You sound like a very sincere and trusting person who feels the sting of being rejected in what sounds like a budding love…that sting is all the more painful because even though you did not state it directly, you felt as if you were being judged not on your qualities as a person but rather on the pigment of your skin…you aren’t only the better person…you are very fortunate…why?…because you discovered early on what type of undesirable family values you were dealing with…and…most importantly…what a weak willed individual you became interested in…ask yourself this question…Would I really want a man who has so little strength of character that he allows others to control his life for him?…do you think he will change?…never!…take it from Doctor Paul…people do not change!…I will not tell you what you want to hear…I will tell you the truth as I see it…be thankful that destiny has given you the gift of seeing reality before it was too late…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul – Dating Under Age

Dear Dr. Paul,

I’d like to start off by telling u that im 18…the other day i met this new girl at work. she is 16 and i feel like i really connected with her. now we both work at the same place which is a grocery store where we are always busy and never really have time to talk. i wanted to ask you to give me some advice on how to get this girls number and how to ask her out on a date…it is also really hard for me to see her because she works every other weekend meaning that i wont see her for a whole 2 weeks…long story short i met this new girl at work, i feel like we really connected, and i want to get to know her better, what to get her number and ask her out on a date.

Doc’s Response:

In answer to your question…you are legally an adult and the girl you are talking about is under 18 (you said she is 16)…I would suggest that you get interested in someone who is legally an adult…Doctor Paul’s advice?…don’t even think it…do not break the law…your whole future depends on it…trust me…there are many women out there who are over 18 and may be very interested in you…All The Best!

Happy New Year to all of our listeners, viewers and readers

Sex & The New Year!

I thought that would get your attention…understand this pearl from Doctor Paul…this may have an echo of Zen to it but bear with me…sexiness is present when it is subtle…when you try to be sexy you are not…that fine line between sensuality and being overt may be as simple as wearing a too low cut top instead of one that is draped across one shoulder…are there levels of class?…of course…I was recently at gathering where the subject of class became a hotly debated item…there are those among us who have a certain charisma…poise…elegance…and taste…those who do not can observe and bring it to themselves…if they choose to …that coveted concept of style…it is true that class…sophistication…and elegance cannot be purchased…all of us have seen celebrities and stars who have the money but never could hope to acquire through money or any means that element that they desire most…namely class. Now back to sex…(think I had forgotten?…never…now to the sharper reader/observer here is the way…be subtle…and in closing I want you to answer this question of yourself when you look into a mirror before you are going out for the evening…would James Bond approach me if I were dressed the way I am now?…if he is the type you want then dress the part…remember if you always do what you’ve always done…then you’ll always get
what you’ve always got…All The Best!…Doctor Paul

Dating Where To Go?

During this time of economic problems we still want to date…so lets go to the movies…not too bad as far a price is concerned either…stay away from the refreshments however…Dr. Paul will evaluate some films that he has recently seen…a good one was the James Bond “A Quantum of Solace”…the intro music was just awful called “Another Way To Die”…actually it sounded like something was dying a miserable death…the classic James Bond Theme wasn’t played until the end of the movie…too bad..do it right next time Columbia Pictures…as a member of Screen Actors Guild take that as a professional opinion…now to the film itself…in a word…Excellent…I would highly recommend it…Daniel Craig portrayed a seriously don’t trifle with me cold James Bond… upcoming films that look good include “Angels & Demons” with Tom Hanks…Valkyrie…but a not so good “Seven” something previews looked ho hum…That’s it for Dr. Paul’s dating data

Letter To Dr. Paul – A Hard Catch!!!!

Dr. Paul,

I’m 21 years old… currently in university. I have had my fair share with the ladies but there is this 1 girl I met about a month ago that really has me clustered. When I see her or talk to her, my A game crumbles. So anyway, I initially met this girl through her roommates, but we didn’t really talk too much. Then 2 weeks later, I saw her at the on campus bar, so I talked to her. So when I was talking to this girl, my A game crumbled. This girl seemed very different, and I sensed that from when I first met her. She is gorgeous and yet very smart, shy and quiet. So the night at the bar, I couldn’t read her. But, I realized that she was an AMAZING girl and that we have A LOT in common – fav music, tv shows. sports, movies. So at the end of the night, I asked for her number and she told me she doesn’t give her number out like that and that I should facebook her. After that night, it felt like I was in damage control since I didn’t make much of a first impression. I’ve messaged her a few times saying how’s it going and all. One message was regarding the conversation we had at the bar – she said she hasn’t seen the season finale of what is my and her favorite show. So I sent her the link to it. She said it was sweet and all, but mostly small talk and said she had to go back to studying since it was midterm season. I’m taking it as a hint that she is not really interested, but one of my girl friends said otherwise. So I have no clue what to do. I have never worked this hard at a girl before and to be honest, I really like her. I’m seeing her this weekend at a party for halloween at a friends house. What do you think I should do? I have no clue! Thank you sir

Doc’s Response:    Good to hear from you!!…as you can appreciate, I do not answer all e-mails directly…yours however, is one of those as an “e-mail of interest”…I answer many on the show on an anonymous basis…let’s start with your “game”…stop the game concept…it’s fine until you meet a person like this who seems  to be “different”…so you need to be different too as in be yourself…all women can tell the players as in game players…this one is not buying…she seem interested but the impression you are giving to me is that she won’t tolerate the so called game…you said she is smart, shy and quiet….listen to what you are saying here…she is smart (too smart to be “gamed’) she is quiet (she is listening) and she is shy (is she really?)…now turn it around…listen to what she has to say…she said she doesn’t give her number out like that…agree with her…because neither do you…you say…you let her know that you are selective, even picky, because you do not want to waste your time….get her e-mail address…do not go to the face book…think about it you will not be the only guy there…good idea to listen to a female friend of yours…who is right by the way…she is interested from what you are telling me…now is the time to let her know that you are your own man…and can see that she is her own woman and doesn’t follow the herd…do not “work so hard”…tell her that you are not playing games…never assume that makes an ass of u  and me assume…so don’t assume with this one…let me know haw that week end went…you told me that she was an amazing girl and that you have a lot in common…have you told her? She is the one you want to see…let her know!

THEY DID IT AGAIN!

Seldom if ever does Doctor Pual talk about his personal experiences…but I have had similar situations like this happen…A lady called my show and said that she was very happy with a new guy that she had been dating for 3 months and that they had all but moved in together…then her “girlfriends” began to tell her how bad he was for her and she quit dating him…Doctor Paul’s response: “never never listen to your girlfriends when it comes to the subject of men…they are not team players when it comes to men…they are jealous, and want you back in the “pack” so that they can use you to meet guys…she said she now knows but it was too late…after that broadcast a got a number of e-mails from guys all of whom said they were sure that this was their ex calling…wow…what does that tell you…so far 11 guys have e-mailed me saying that was their ex…this happens all the time…ladies if you want to know about your relationship go to a relationship consultant…your “friends” believe that “all is fair in love and war”…you are no longer available to be the “bait” to pick up guys…let me share with you a couple of the e-mails I received…(not the real letters of their first names of course) G wrote: “I am sure this is my ex. Her girlfriends did not like me from the get go. Every time she would see them after work she would have an attitude when she would see me. I got a call after we broke up from one of her “friends” who is no longer her friend (at least not this week)and told me that one of the “pack” said she had dated me ( a lie) and that I was 10 years older than I am. Not only did she lie about that too, but suddenly that lie was on the internet. The girl who called me said she would like to see me for coffee to “tell me more about it”. No way, I don’t trust any of them. Doctor Paul’s reply? “the one that lied about you is a skank, but that is the way it is…T e-mailed: ” That girl who called sounded like my ex. I met her with a group; of girls. I picked her and I think some of the others di not like it. things were great with us until she started to talk to them. They wanted her to go to clubs with them. I can see why, they are all over weight 15-20 pounds and she is only about 7-8 pounds over.So they want her to be the man catcher. Some guy will have the same thing happen to him that happened to me from that herd of buffalo.

Doctor Paul’s reply: “Stay away from those groups of women whose main sport is to trash men.” Ladies, do you see what is going on here? I made the same mistake recently with a group…I did not tell them who I was at first…I danced with one of them several times, and then she asked me to dance with one of her friends…guess why……obviously my mistake…after I danced with that one, she then said something to the first one…the first one then decided that she didn’t want to dance…I saw that one coming…I said, “hey look, I have a show to do in about 1 hour so I am leaving, but I will give you my card”…when the first one saw my card she was suddenly interested, knew who I was and said, “do you have to leave?”…then she gave me her c-phone number…Then Doctor Paul left…did I call her..absolutely not…I got some hang up calls…and guess what she forgot one time to put “private” on the call…I put call block on her…When Doctor Paul is dating he does not go to clubs…but when I am not…well…I do “research”…This is Doctor Paul…May Your Fantasies of Today, Be Your Realities of Tomorrow!”

THEY ARE DOING IT AGAIN!

This time on the I-net…Doctor Paul just opened an info web site about dating…and the headline was: “How To Win Over A Bad Boy” by Chelsea Kaplan…I am sure you are a very sincere and well meaning person Chelsea…but please…a woman cannot give advice to another woman about a man!…trust me!…and winning over a “bad boy”???…Why Bother???…get real…this article then quotes yet another female who has written a book ( a guide yet) called in part an ornithological guide to men…ornithological???…this as anyone who has visited the bird sanctuary at a zoo will tell you…ornithology is the zoological study of birds…and this book’s author “spent countless years” researching her subject…birds?…you say birds?…I thought this was about bad boys…is this some sort of reach for an analogy regarding men???…now if a male had made the same reference it would be labeled “sexist”…OK even if we pass on that one…our primary author is off and running as to why these “boys” are “bad boys”…I will give her credit for basically identifying them as “players”…of course there are men who are “players”…they are easily identifiable…but guess what ladies…they only exist because there are women too who are players…they may not admit it to their friends….but when they call Doctor Paul they not only admit it they claim to be “cured” and that they will never do that again…want to bet???….if the pain is bad enough they may never do it again…or if they are over 40 and they decide that the game is pretty much over for them…but if they are looking for  “boy toys”…then have at it… I have heard it all…when they call and cry to me about how they have been treated…it is sad…I feel that real emotional pain they are experiencing…so go ahead and research for countless years about “bad boys”…I will make it simple for you…narcissist…go to the dictionary…better yet…go on line and find it…YOU WILL NOT CHANGE PEOPLE….NO ONE…AT BEST WE CAN MODIFY THEIR  BEHAVIOR….just like Pavlov’s dogs…and that is  the narcissistic person…it is all about SELF…the biggest problem with the narcissist is that you are both in love with the same man (or woman)…As I said in the beginning…why bother???…relationships are tough enough without going on a mission to “reform” someone…Finally, many women think that players are great playmates…not really…you see, it’s all about them whether that player is a man or woman…the “I got mine” attitude is what it’s all about…thus the “bad boy” or “bad girl”…they couldn’t care less about your pleasure it is all about them and their ego…this is why you hear both men and women who claim to have had sexual encounters with Celebes and radio and TV personalities…Doctor Paul is no exception…just do a favor for me ladies…if you are going to claim it…call me and do it first…just to keep yourselves honest…This is Doctor Paul…”May Your Fantasies of Today be your Realities of Tomorrow”