Doctor Paul’s BlogSpot

April 5, 2009

Letter To Dr. Paul: No Self Esteem!

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:53 pm

Hey Dr. Paul, I am having a hard time trusting my boyfriend. He is an awesome man who treats me 100 percent better than my last boyfriend. He listens, communicates, shares his insights…everything I could want and more. But the one thing is that I’m overweight while he’s just right and healthy. He can have any woman he wants and granted there were many women out there that have flirted and showed him interest now and then. He said he’s taken his clothes off with several girlfriends in the past but I told him that we’re not doing anything like that unless I have an engagement ring on my finger. He said he respected me and my choices and he has shown me that respect many times over. How can a man of his nature…intelligent and fit find someone like myself attractive in his eyes? I keep thinking that one day this bridge will fall while I’m standing on it and then I’m left with nothing. Help Dr. Paul!!!!

Doc’s Response:
Dear J…can you say…”low self worth”?…sounds as if you are the person he is interested in…so why sell yourself short???…If he wanted someone else it looks as if he could have them…maybe you have qualities he likes…trust?…being real?…sincere?…take a look at your assets…not your liabilities…you may wind up showing him liabilities that he didn’t even see…better download my book…more of this in there…there is no bridge…your metaphor only reveals your insecurity…you really do not want to communicate that to him sub-consciously…just smile and tell him he has good taste…how can he argue with that?…how can you argue with that?…enjoy!…All the Best!


Letter To Dr. Paul: Giving It A 2nd Chance

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:50 pm

Dr Paul, please help me!!..I trust your advice above all others. About 8 months ago, i ended a long time (5 year) long distance relationship with a woman i care deeply about. We’ve know each other about 8 years, 5 of them romantically, we met on the internet. We’ve been through a lot together, i’ve helped her through a divorce and such. During that 8 months, she entered into another relationship that failed, now we have decided to give it another chance but she has put up a wall for fear that it might happen again. I know it isnt going to happen again, but she’s unsure. I just want things to be the way they used to be, and i realize i have to work to regain her trust to bring down the wall. My problem is, i tend to overanalyze and discuss what happened to make her feel more secure and it frustrates her to no end. How can i bring down the wall, yet not frustrate her with discussing it all the time? We’re actually meeting for the first time in about 3 weeks and my fear is that i cant shut up long enough not to cause problems and jeopardize the meeting. Please Dr Paul, i need your advice terribly bad.

Doc’s Response:
Dear J…thanks for the request…you are really good at self analysis…so at this point I feel you would be wise to let her do the self analysis…and…are you listening?…LISTEN TO HER…do not give her ideas; do not try to “fix” her life for her…remember…you want her…and that is nice, but she has to want you…the only wall that exists is in your mind…not hers…so let her do all of the talking as much as possible…say nothing unless she asks for your input…and be certain to ask her how she feels about herself…not about “us”…the ” where have you been, where are you now, and where are you going?” needs to be answered by her…and by the way…take it easy on yourself…you can “shut up” as you put it…long enough…and remember, she wouldn’t be seeing you if she didn’t want to…she wants to…but she wants you to hear her out…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Just Not Good Enough

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:40 pm

Hello Dr Paul, I’ve watched your videos for a while now and I need advice on how to save my relationship. My girlfriend has fallen in love with somebody else & no longer has respect for me, she cites the fact that I’m younger than her, that I don’t have enough experience with relationships (first one) and that I’m ‘just a kid’ (i’m 23, she’s 25). I acknowledge this to a degree however I do not act or think like somebody in my age group, I don’t even have any friends younger than me! I often feel like being forced to act and say how she wants me to be just to be diplomatic but most times end up being myself which of course is the right thing but has ended up causing the split. Another important point is that this is my first ever relationship and my partner reminds me of this. Dr Paul should I be the one to win back her respect or vice versa? Should I date other women obtain more of an understanding about relationships? Thank you for your time

Doc’s Response:
Dear M…thanks for writing…be your own man…a female that criticizes you in any area actually fears that very same thing in herself…and by the way is she able to sustain a relationship?…she said this was your first one…well…what sort of track record does she have?…first? third? fifth?…instead of asking should I win her back… ask yourself… exactly what will I be getting back?…be careful what you settle for…you may get it…All The Best!
—– Original Message —–

Letter To Dr. Paul: First Move

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:29 pm

If I’ve had a very interesting conversation with a man on Facebook and we have mutual friends, how can I get him to ask me out or shall I ask him out? He’s intelligent, witty, and attractive and I don’t want to seem desperate.

Doc’s Response:
Dear S…Thanks for your request…first let him know that you believe that a woman can comfortably ask a man to have lunch (and make it lunch)…nice thing about lunch…daytime, has a beginning and an end, no alcohol necessary, and it is in a public place…if you would like to see him again, let him know, but tell him that he has to contact you…the ball is in his court…this way you maintain your dignity, and he respects your approach…and by the way S. I would down load my book from my web site before you have lunch…if he is witty and intelligent some tips in “BOOMER GIRLS” might be just right…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Dealing With The Past

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:24 pm

dear dr paul I’ve join a dating website for 7 months and I’m finding it difficult to get pass the second and the third date because i don’t know if i should be tureful about my (ex abusive relationship) and family drama or don’t answer such personal questions ive done both got the same reactions or even how to react if we are not attracted to one or the another i find the dates can get quite negtive and i’ ve try to put up a smile and be nice but i knows and they knows it fake ive to say let do fun thing like go to movies watch some sports etc…all the men want to do is go to the bars or cafes and talk which can be difficult at times which leads to boring i do get lead on whether he says he like me but has no intention of seeing me again or for causal sex which i always says no i feel that am following the same pattern like am always on the rebound from bad date to the next and it get me really down and i ignore invite from single parents, and men who clearly dont to want interracial date but find me attractive??? interracial dating am OK with and i ve dated other nationality which is nice i never dated a single parents i love kids because from my experience my mum dating was hard and i hated it i really need your advice am a nice pretty person i dont have any problem attracting guys from the website or in everyday but getting pass that third date if a very big problem with me before and after the abusive relationship i have to say that i have an obsession with having a nice boyfriend seen 15 years old and now am 25 and my obsession with a nice relationship is get worst and addictive when it goes no where i take it out on myself and beat my self up about it thank you for your time

Doc’s Response:
Dear T…let me say this up front…I think you meant a man 15 years older…not a 15 year old which of course would be illegal…so I will go with the former…now, there is an issue about you re: interracial dating…mostly not a problem, but for some it is…get that understood before you go out with someone so that you are not objectified…once that is out of the way…I would sincerely look to a man who is more mature since you have been the victim of abuse…unfortunately many people who are in an abusive relationship seek out the same type again and go right back into it…if you find that is happening, you may want to seek counseling…sometimes people who are 10 years older than you are can be more understanding…I said sometimes…so don’t limit yourself…and do talk to these people without going into detail, or becoming emotional…your term of Mum leads me to believe that you either are in the UK or are from the UK…every society and nationality has their “good, bad, and ugly”…your job is to listen to your inner voice and select the good…I want you to remember one thing…I have heard this in your last sentence….about beating yourself up….”YOU HAVEN’T FAILED OTHERS, OTHERS HAVE FAILED YOU”…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Hot & Cold

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:09 pm

Hello Dr. paul i’ve been watching your videos and found them vert insightful!! Anyway.. I have this problem.. I’m falling for a guy whos 2 years younger. Hes been showing signs of interest; on and off though. Like hes always excited when we talk but rarely initiates the contact. when I text him he doesnt try keeping the conversation going. But face to face he seems excited when talking to me.. caught him looking from afar more than once.. he always looks me straight in the eyes.. shy lots of times….etc. I think he likes me but is afraid to do something about it because of the age difference. I’m at loss and i dont know what to do about it. I’ve been showing him i like him too but i’m not sure hes getting i like him more than just a friend. I’m afraid he doesn’t like me back, or even if he does, that he wont do anything about it. I dont know if u need to know more details. Thanks a million.

Docs Response:
Hi, S…thanks for your question…people are typically visually orientated, touch oriented, or hearing oriented…your “person of interest” seems to be very visual…he tends to read people as he speaks to them or they speak to him…use this to maintain his interest…and he does sound interested…when you speak to him use terms such as “do you see what I mean”…”do you see that”…always refer to the visual…”what have you seen lately”…”did you see a movie”…we all have certain levels of each factor, but this man seems to “see” more than he “feels” or “hears”…could be he is an engineering type or works with visual things…keep your eye on this one…All The Best!…Doctor Paul

Letter To Dr. Paul: Breaking The Bubble

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 11:04 pm

Dear, Dr. Paul Now I struggle on the one-side relationship. I interest in a guy who is two years older than me. We have worked a part time job together for quiet a year, but we have never talk a conversation at all! I’m an Asian girl, I can speak English but I have got the accent. I don’t know that he will think of me – that kind of hold me back a little bit. The first reason is the shop we work in is way so busy and when it’s time to work (which is at evening) we are all tired. Second, he is kind of person that won’t talk to the person who he doesn’t feel so comfortable, in this case, I mean, He has kind of big bubble and he is quiet. I try to look at him and smile but he has never seen me doing that. I try to greet him, well, He sometimes greets me back, and I mean just sometimes – most of time he doesn’t notice it at all. I try to make a small conversation but it’s because that he doesn’t really enjoying work here, so I can’t play with him that much. We are in the same College and he plays bass for out College concert, and I work for backstage. By your advice in the video clip, I use the post-it trick and huh! Guess who, I think he’s amused or amazed or something but, he doesn’t know who ‘Guess who’ is ,yet. I think I need to talk to him. But all those conditions I have got, I really don’t know how to do and I’m so frustrated like a little girl that can’t get a gum in glass lollipop machine. How to break the bubble and get into him? I mean, get into his mind Please have me some advices, you are the only man that could help me out?

Doc’s Response:
Dear S…thank you for writing….I don’t have time to answer all of my e-mails… I like the question…and your “Prose” was entertaining as well as…(I needed that today)…OK…let’s get started…the “guess who” is really a good idea I liked that…I may suggest it in the future…a follow up with another “guess who” could be interesting…I understand where you are coming from in terms of language… my first language wasn’t English either…I have spent several months in the last two years in Thailand and one week in Viet Nam… your accent is really plus…you are different…that is a good thing…let it work in your favor…it may be that he is also self conscious…as I believe you are…I will let you in on a well known secret…many mend find Asian women to be “interesting”..they have a certain mystique about them…use that to your advantage…In the first place I really don’t see a relationship here as being one-sided…it really is not a relationship..yet…I believe it could be…I like that “gum in a glass lollipop machine”…I don’t know what your major is, but you might try writing…Here is the plan…another post-it with a “Guess who hears you play the Bass”…now you are into his personal territory…he is probably the audible type…he really likes music…ask him to help you make a selection for your i-pod…and ask if has he recorded anything (he probably has not but he will like to hear that)…the “little girl” image as you said will work very well with seeking “advice” from him…did you ever stop to think that the may be interested in you too?…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Caught In The Rebound

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 10:57 pm

Dear Dr. Paul, I met this wonderful man in my home town when he was here doing a job. He had just came out of a divorce 3 weeks prior. We went out and completly clicked. We dated for 5 months and everything was perfect. He then asked me to move to his hometown with him and marry him. We moved in together and two weeks into it he started to become very distant to me. I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to talk about it he said you are pinning me to the floor. he said he wanted me to move out because it was to soon and the timing was off. Why didn’t he know that before I uprooted my family and quit my job. He said he loves me and deeply cares about me but doesn’t love me forever. I am devastated because I don’t know if I did something wrong or not. I moved back home 6 weeks ago and we still talk every now and then. We met for lunch last week and had great conversation. We never talk about our relationship just general stuff. He said it is great seeing me and talking to me, and then huged me and kissed me goodbye and said talk to you soon. How do I approach him about his feelings without being pushy or looking desperate. I love him with all my heart but don’t know how to handle this. How can two people meet and fall in love then boom he doesn’t want to be with you anymore? Should I just give him time to figure it out or should I approach him and talk about it? He tells me to not give up hope, What does that mean? What can I do to get him back? Please help me see insight on this. Thank you, Valerie

Doc’s Response:
Dear V….Thanks for your question….I have heard this many times before…if you have found yourself in this situation give it time for him or her to ‘grieve”…the other person may even need counseling…I am not saying that you were wrong to see the person, what I am saying is that you need to be certain that he or she is over the trauma of divorce or death of a loved one…in your case time was on your side…your sudden move to a new town within 2 months did not work…I hear you blaming yourself…it is not you… so do not “should” on yourself…that is never an option…I see you using should several times…no…center yourself…perhaps meditate if that works for you…take a deep breath…and move on…do not give up hope?…you asked what that means….does it mean stringing you along?…listen carefully to what you said…”He said he loves me deeply and cares about me but doesn’t love me forever”…get real with yourself…that is the end…he already told you…Doctor Paul’s opinion?…run don’t walk…MOVE ON!…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Growing Up & Out Of Love

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 10:50 pm

Dr. Paul, I am a 27 year old man and my girlfriend is 20 years old. i am writing to you because i am already starting to fall in love with this girl and i fear that she will have a change of heart due to her age. I dont know if this might mean anything but she has never had a father in the picture. She is somewhat mature for her age but at times her age shines thru. I feel alot for this girl and i am not afraid of her changing as a person, but only in the relationhsip sense. What do i do?

Doc’s Response:
Dear T…thank you for your question since I have received similar ones and there is a need expand the answer…we will place this on the blog anonymously of course…your girl friend has had no father image and you are 7 years older…this is a good thing for her and obviously for you…there may be somewhat of a “father image” situation with her which in my humble opinion ( actually according to my viewers/listeners & readers I have never had a “humble” opinion) is excellent…many so-called relationship gurus would disagree with this…a woman who has not had a father image or was very close to a deceased father will seek an older and often times a much older man…there are many reasons for this not the least of which is a need to feel secure…actually, it is surprising that she has not sought a much older man by about 20 years…so far so good with your question…moving on, you are concerned that she will change…read my book…people do not change…we may modify their behavior, but they do not change…remember, people’s lives change but they do not change…having said that, there is the question of self discovery…does she really know herself?…ask her that directly by saying “how do you see yourself,” “how do you feel about yourself,”…I think you get the picture…and then LISTEN…do not talk except for, ” I see” etc….and do not give an opinion…do not give a suggestion…men tend to want to “fix” things…you are not there to fix you are there to have her discover herself and for you to discover her also…go with that inner voice…it sounds to me as if you need re-assurance for how you already feel…if you are looking for that re-assurance from Doctor Paul…YOU HAVE IT!…All The Best!

Letter To Dr. Paul: Jealous Of Facebook?

Filed under: Blogroll, Letters To Doc, Uncategorized — drpaul @ 10:44 pm

There are times my boyfriend, of one year, have said things that make you go hmmm. He’s a great guy but sometimes I just wonder. We see each other every week and sometimes for lunch on Saturday before he goes to work. We’re making our 1st anniversary this coming Thursday and have plans for Valentine’s too. Just the other night I was talkng about my cousin Marc having to set me up an acct on Facebook and how he’s also sent me pics and stuff on Facebook to get my page going. All of a sudden my boyfriend brings up stuff from his past like Valentine’s day years ago in highschool and sending roses to girls or how he asked his neighbor next door to go to the prom with him but she couldn’t go because of prior commitments (and how maybe they could’ve have dated and things would be very different now if they did date because they were neighbors and they would be a great couple and be married by now..but she’s probably married now) and how she came over here to Hawaii for vacation and wasn’t impressed and he wanted to take her places around if she called him and would have travelled with her to the other islands if she called. I told him to go ahead and look her up and maybe she can then live in your apartment and you folks can get a go at starting something. And who knows you may end up picking up from the past and get romantic and get married. He looked at me quizzically. I wanted to bop him on the side of the head. Help Dr Paul…all I said was how my cousin Marc (whom he knows) helped me with my Facebook. What gives? I’m really upset over this yet he thinks I’m the greatest.

Doc’s Response:
Dear Ms. L…I am going to use that initial since we want this to be anonymous…I had to read this twice to find out which girl was his girlfriend…you said it was you…but he is saying it is the lady in Hawaii…well, maybe not saying it directly, but it is being communicated…that at least seems to be the case on the surface doesn’t it…now I have said that if you want to find out about a man, why ask a woman ask a man…preferably Doctor Paul…well you did and here is what I am really seeing…your boyfriend is not going to admit this…but he sounds as if he is jealous…he obviously does not want you to be placing yourself on Facebook…did he bring up the lady in Hawaii before you mentioned this? I am thinking that he did not…ask him point blank if that is why he has brought up the subject of his Hawaiian ex-girlfriend…do not accept anything other than a yes or no answer…no maybes…and be direct…be prepared for him to tell you how he really feels…maybe this guy really cares…if not…well, you were looking for someone when you found him…right?…I believe you will find that he has some serious issues with you being seen on Facebook…All The Best…Doctor Paul

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